splinters make it hard to masturbate
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
i now understand why vodka
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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