How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Randomize
