I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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