What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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