No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
