I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
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