ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
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