i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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