I hate your face
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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