Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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