Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
