believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
