I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I see more hoeing in ur future
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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