I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
