Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
