I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
