I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
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My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
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Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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