:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
