I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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