John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
