i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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