I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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