Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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