i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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