Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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