proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
