At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Best friends brother. Beat that.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
