Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
