Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Randomize
