Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
There's always time for handjobs
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
