Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
