Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
