my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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