seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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