Don't you send me to vm
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
