When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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