The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
