you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
