Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
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Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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