grandma shit on top of the toilet
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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