Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
