so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
you had me at cake vodka
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
