i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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