Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
