she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
