i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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