Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
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u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
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Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?