I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
