I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
