Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
