i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
