on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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