the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
