I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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