Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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