I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
