We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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