Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
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The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
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Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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