The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
