I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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